OTD was CD27 which I found a little weird as I normally have 30 day+ cycles. It was only 11dp3dt but our clinic does beta bloods so it’s a really accurate result.

I spoke to the clinic the day before to let them know about the bleeding and find out what to do. They said to carry on with the progesterone and up it which we couldn’t do as we had only been given enough to take us to the morning of OTD. I asked if we could have progesterone checked as part of the bloods since the bleeding had started so early. Thankfully the clinic did agree to this.

At this point I do feel obliged to say I have low blood pressure and my veins aren’t the greatest. Many years of blood tests have shown me this. However the experience for beta bloods was, well, brutal!

The poor girl on blood duty just seemed a little flustered and being a needlephobe I don’t need any more nerves then my own! I think we were just transmitting our nervousness to each other and it was a recipe for disaster. After inspecting several veins on both arms she eventually plumped for the usual vein (which was battered from all the cycle bloods) and went for it. And missed! I think she actually missed the vein but brushed a nerve, it was painful!

As it was a Sunday they only had limited personnel in the clinic. The girl had got herself into a bit of panic and didn’t want to try again in case she missed a second time. Eventually one of the anaesthetists agreed to do it. Great, I thought, he can’t possibly miss. It’s true he didn’t miss but I actually shudder thinking of what happened instead.

We had to go round to the theatre area of the clinic and weirdly ended up in the same cubicle as we had been in for ec! There was no arm rest for blood taking so I had to support my own weight and resistance for it. The blood taking – which he did from the vein on the back of my left hand…was with a syringe! The pain was utterly unbearable, it hurt through every fraction of a millimetre that the blood moved up the syringe and the effort he was using to pull the blood out into the syringe was excruciating. It felt like it went on for hours but was probably 2-3 minutes. I had tears in the corners of my eyes and was breathing and visualising to get through it.

Once he was done I was given juice and biscuits as I was as white as a sheet! I felt battered, bruised and fairly faint after the needle trauma! We spent the rest of the day with friends before going home and tried to forget about what we considered to be an inevitable result. The clinic phoned the next day to say that the progesterone had tested fine and HCG was less than one, so not pregnant, never pregnant and not a hint of implantation or real embryo development. I suspect this embie sadly stopped developing on day 3 like the two in the lab.

Right now we’re regrouping. We actually got engaged at the beginning of the cycle so it’s nice to think ahead to planning a wedding! There are also wholesale changes required for cycle 2 – we’ll keep you updated though. Maybe that was the point of this, I can tell my story and how I’m navigating the chasm between the first, failed cycle and what happens next, to the baby that we want so much.

I’m happy to report that after a bit of a slow start my cycle buddies board, July/August 2016, had a fair few BFPs and the ladies are currently having their early scans! It spurs me on knowing it’s worked for other people. It also makes me feel like I just need to keep dreaming and believing and then next time, hopefully, it will be our time.

Maybe Mummy x


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