CD25 – is it all over….?

Last night there was a small amount of brown on the utrogestan applicator. This morning there was a lot on it. A little later I noticed a lot of brown gunk on the panty liner, then a barely there smear of watery fresh blood and finally when I put the afternoon utrogestan in there was a lot of fresh blood streaked on the applicator. I messaged my girlfriend and told her all this. I finished the message with ‘I think it’s all over, I’m so sorry’

If we do get a BFN it’s hard not to take it personally. Logically I’m aware that there was a second set of genetics involved and there may well be issues there (day 3 of embryo development is where the sperm has to do a lot so our other two embies failing then could be a sperm issue) but realistically it was my eggs, my womb, my body … and it wasn’t enough.

I’ve already planned ahead for the not working scenario. I know what our next steps are, the things we’ll improve for the next cycle, the weight I want to lose and the supplements I’ll add in. I’ve decided the treats I’ll allow myself (sipping prosecco in a bubble bath) if it hasn’t worked. Despite this I feel sad, there was the potential for life inside me and for whatever reason that spark of life burnt out before it had the chance to shine.

The plan is still to POAS tomorrow morning, then again on Sunday before we go to the clinic for bloods. At least if it is a BFN the bloods should show whether there was an attempt to implant or not. I’m also going to ask for my progesterone to be tested as I believe that the utrogestan is supposed to hold off bleeding but it looks as though mine hasn’t.

I feel fragile for the first time in this process. EC, injection and various other scars/bruises/wounds heal and fade but the thought of a negative hurts me emotionally, not physically, and I fear it may take longer than the physical wounds to heal.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, it may need a miracle but perhaps there’s one going spare somewhere šŸ™‚

Maybe Mummy x

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